I have never been married, but I’ve picked up a few hints and vibes here and there watching others go through the process. Given that I am not yet a bride, I think I’m very neutral when I give these tips below to future wedding guests!
1) Planning a wedding is stressful - this is less a tip and more of a fact. It’s not that the bride and groom necessarily want all the attention on them when they talk about a wedding 24/7, but it is a difficult undertaking so it’s on the front of their minds. They are trying to organize an event for several hundred people all by themselves, and in most cases, with a limited budget. Please be a friend and be supportive. Also, Why is the Guest List so Stressful? The guest list and the final headcount basically determines a big chunk of the budget of a wedding. Receptions can and often do cost more than $100 per guest, and other vendors may charge more also based on headcount. For example, photographers have to plan on adding assistants. Coordinators and florists might need more hands on deck.
2) Don’t invite yourself to the wedding or assume you are in the wedding party – There are many factors and budget limitations where it’s simply not possible to invite everyone to a wedding. Don’t take it personally if you don’t get invited. When you find out that a couple has gotten engaged, offer them your congratulations, but refrain from asking what date their wedding is (you can ask month or season) or whether you’re invited or worse, inviting yourself! If you are invited or asked to be a groomsman or bridesmaid, you’ll know. Until then, respect their privacy. Also, when you are invited, don’t flaunt it in front of other people who weren’t but who are friends of the bride and groom, they might be sad they weren’t included. So if possible, be discreet.
3) RSVP, RSVP on time, RSVP without bringing uninvited guests – When reading the invitation, check the verbiage! Sometimes the invitation is only addressed to a particular person or might say “____ of 2 guests”. Weddings can be fun, but it is a personal event for the bride and groom and it’s not very good etiquette to bring someone unexpected. Usually, the +1 is designated for a serious boyfriend/girlfriend or a fiance or spouse. If you ever have a question as to if your +1 is invited, ask, don’t assume. If the wedding specified no kids, kindly be respectful to that, but if it is hard for you to leave your child, contact the bride/groom and see what can be arranged. Weddings are not like parties or dances, the +1 is not just anyone you can find. Finally, RSVP on time and properly – use the envelopes or the online link; a verbal or email RSVP can get lost in the shuffle. Many venues and vendors require a final headcount in advance of the wedding, so please give the bride something less to worry about!
4) Gift-giving – Did you know that brides and grooms get a 10 – 15% discount on all items that are not purchased on their registry? Sometimes an item is up there just for that purpose (like a couch). Registries are a guideline for what to get the bride and groom, but I’ve found that many, many people prefer cash in the end, it’s just that Western tradition has made asking for cash seem tacky (Asian cultures on the other hand, warmly accept it). It does not hurt to ask the bride and groom what they prefer, some do prefer one over the other. If you want to buy something similar to a registry item, try to match it in quantity / size / style / color. Also, you can team up with multiple guests to buy one single item. Whenever possible, don’t bring a large gift to the wedding – usually the only gifts that should be brought to a wedding are cards and envelopes w/checks. There’s a general sentiment that you have up to 1 year post-wedding to send them a gift, but I personally think it’s best to give it by the wedding or soon thereafter. The bride & groom often have to leave for their honeymoon right after the wedding and transporting large gifts home from the wedding is a logistical nightmare.
5) It’s their wedding – Whatever a couple decides to do and plan their wedding, it’s their day, they have their own vision that may be different from yours, and so please don’t hurt their feelings by saying some off-color remark about one detail or another. Plenty of people will be giving them advice left and right or offer help, but they will make the final decision in the end. If they do, don’t judge! They’ve put a lot of thought into it, just be happy for what they’ve done, and hey, if it’s your wedding, you’d probably want the same.
6) Don’t get in vendors’ way! They were hired to help =) I have been to numerous weddings – especially Asian ones – where every which way, someone else has also brought a fancy camera and is taking photos. I more than welcome that because I know you care about the bride and groom and hey, I started out doing photography like that myself, BUT, please please don’t step in the photographer’s line of sight, don’t go crazy with a flash, and in most cases, photographers (including myself) ask that you do not take photos during the group portraits because then it slows down the entire process and the wedding party will end up looking in multiple directions. If you ever have questions about taking photographs at a wedding, ask the professional photog, and they should (I hope!) be nice and tell you which angles you can capture and how to move about!
As winter approaches, good luck to all the people out there planning their proposals! Looking forward to working with some of you next year!
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by Shang
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